A Year...

Hello beautiful souls!

Yea I know its been a min for a post but you know a lot has happened.

Have you ever been stuck in a day on repeat? A Groundhog Day if you will. My mind has been in a perpetually cycle of torment and trauma. But wait it gets better.

May marked a year of the passing of my husband. Why has it taken me this long to write the post, you ask? Well, living in a perpetual hell you kind of forget about things.

I was dreading May. I wasn't sure how I would handle it. I mean I made it this far, right?

It has been one hell of a past month. One hell of a fuckin year!

I went from a wife trying to build a family to widow trying to piece a life together. It hasn't been easy. Everyday is a fight to stay sane. I'm managing. However, not alone. I wouldn't be able to handle all this trauma past and present without outside help.

I have struggled with depression since I could remember. Big episodes happen every once in awhile. May was a whole episode. Existential dread. A crisis.

I prepared myself as I do for everything in my life. As much as I can anyway. I knew I was going to be on one hell of a rollercoaster ride. The "Hey ma! Look no hands!" was running rampant in my life. I was/am riding with full force and all hands up as I swung around violently trying to get a sense of thrill. Thrill in the worst of ways.

I was starting to feel that spiral of despair. I did feel it. I do feel it. But now it's manageable.

In this Year's time my life has done a complete 180. Redifining who I am in life and reevaluating everything and everyone that was in my life. Is it bringing me happiness? Is it bringing me more dread? I have found a clear definition as to what and who I want in my life. Every moment is precious and should be treated as such. If I learned anything it's to cherish and not take for granted the people and how they enrich your very being by being in your life.

A year of trauma and triumphs.

The trauma is not fleeting but bearable at this stage. The hurt is still very real and will be for who knows how long. There is no time limit on the healing. I've had to learn that. I am the type that likes to give myself time limits on life. I've had to change that way of thinking. It was my defense to gaining some type of control of my life when I felt like it was crumbling. It gave me a purpose. You can't put yourself in that box. You have to let things ride out. Play out naturally. I'm not going to lie I still battle with that concept. Nonetheless, I still try.

This year has also opened up a lot of new doors for me. Even if I thought those doors were suspicious and treaded with caution. They have turned out better than I could hope for.

I started to think maybe I can do this thing called life.

When you think of a widow you do not think of a 20 something woman. You think nice and older. They had a full life and it played out naturally. Well, there are widows of various of ages and the hurt is still the same. The pain is still pain. I never thought in a million years that I would call myself a widow at such an early point in my life.

Grow old and live happily ever after, so to speak.

Nope.

At least not in that portion of my life. Not yet at least.

When you feel this broken and feel this overwhelming you think to yourself "who would ever be willing to be in the midst of that". Who would be willing to ride that storm with you. Forever alone and underserving of love and affection again. You're too broken for that. No one wants to be with someone with all that trauma. That's your brain making outlandish assumptions and blowing them out of proportion. It's not real. You have to face that head on.

I thought I am not lovable and never will be. Hell! I didn't want to be loved. I couldn't fathom loving another.

In yet, the universe had other plans. The universe likes to smack you until you get the picture. I got the picture.

Out of no where without me looking for it without me wanting it. I couldn't want it.

The most patient, caring, loving, and affectionate man comes walking into my life. I wasn't ready. We were not ready, Again the universe said other wise. I met someone. A very kind man.

Something I surly thought was a pipe dream and ever fleeting.

That changed. My world has changed once agian. The feeling of being loved with all my flaws and baggage. the feeling you get when this person knows and still loves you. That- that has baffled me.

How can this individual love all of me knowing everything and willing to weather my past storms and new ones with me.

I am still in awe of this.

I wasn't ready.

I became ready.

I allowed myself to get out of the box I put myself in.

Took away my own restraints.

You're like how could you be in love with another so soon?

Well, I wondered that myself. A part of me felt as if I was breaking from the love I once had and was betraying it. I am not. I am only growing upon that love with a new. That love will forever be apart of me and I embrace it. This love is new and taking on its on journey from what I have experienced and grown from.

I am now welcomed to it.

I now know that I can love another while not giving up that part of me or it not seeming like a betrayal but more of growth.

My husband and I never spoke about what if one of goes before the other and our wishes for each other. Me moving forward felt like I did not get the permission I so desperately needed. I have to live for myself. I cannot squander away whats right in front of me due to not having that permission. I have asked for signs for this new love and every sign kept slapping me in the face. He wants my happiness to flourish.

I became at peace with that (somewhat). It's hard. I have grown and know that this is not the end only the beginning.

You can love again.

Someone will love you. All of you.

I am grateful everyday to have received this chance to love again and be loved.

So thank you.

Thank you for giving me that peace to move forward. Forever my heart will be.