'bout Time!

Hello Beautiful souls! It's been a hot minute since my last post. Well, shit has been a whirlwind. To say the least. My last post was about all the trials and tribulation of having horrible anxiety and panic attacks. This one will be different. Some what.

Sometimes you have to go through things be it good or bad to appreciate what you have or just have a huge hit of reality.

That has rang true for my life the past couple of months. I went through the new year, my husband's birthday and holidays. All of that put me into a major funk. The constant need for approval and signs is utterly exhausting! Once you understand that you do not need that it makes things a lot easier. Easier said than done though. Working on it. I know my faults and I know I have to better.

I have come up with goals and obtaining said goals lets just say are taking some time. I've had set backs from my mental state. I have been focused on things that are not driving me in the right direction. So, lets take a moment and put our lives into perspective. Are you here? Are you actively here? If so, then you are doing something right. You are moving forward in life. That in itself is an accomplishment!

I have lost my way. I am here but my path is foggy. No clear path can be seen and that's ok. Just go.

I am working through what I want out of life from the identity I once had, which was being a wife. I am not going to lie I wrapped a lot of my identity into that role. Yes, I am my own person. I know that. It seems before I had a purpose. Take care of a family build a life up with my husband. That is all completely different now. I am finding that I am truly my own person. Like a newborn brought into the light for the first time. Viewing all the wonders of the world and what it has to offer and that shit is scary like no other!

I am finding that life puts more obstacles in your way after it has undoubtedly fucked you! Some how I am ok with that. No, really. I am completely fine with that. You know why? I do not think I am strong, but I work damn hard to be. I know how to come back stronger. Yes, I will feel like shit first but I will realize where I am and grow from it.

I have big goals in life, new goals. Ones that define who I am. Where I am not labeled as anything but just me. My photography, new relationships, and experiencing every part of the world.

I am a widow. With his passing rounding the one year corner. I told myself after hitting that one year maybe things will get a bit easier. It hasn't. Just manageable chunks. I know how to address it better than who I was before. I know that I can move forward without the constant feeling as I am doing something wrong without his approval. Again, I am my own person. With that realizaition my world has opened up more. In every facet of it. I do not owe anyone.

I have found all the ways I am a woman and the emporwerment of it. Over a course of 3 months I went on a journey. This journey involved a very anticipated tattoo. I know you're like "oh ok a tattoo. It's just a tattoo." This tattoo is more than just a "tattoo". It embodies my growth and my two sides of that growth. I carry with me not only one identity but two. I know who I was and I would not trade that for the world. I know who I am now. An ever evolving being. My brother who also created a scene on my wedding shoes, created half of this tattoo. When I say that this one hit me. It hit me like a train! I was overwhelmed when it was completed. It was for me a new journey. Giving myself the ok to start opening up a new chapter in my life.

The realistic part was drawn by brother. This side holds all of my wise from my trauma, depression, anxiety, and sometimes stoic self. That side is what I am growing from to be better. Have a betterment of oneself. Knowing that about myself and embracing it so I can move forward. The colorful side is all that I inspire to be. Vibrant. Still the sense of straight forward and wise but care free. Life is colorful and I am here to take in all the wonderful array of pigments it has to offer. It's not perfect by any means. Once you realize that, you can be as vibrant as you want to be and make the universe richer because of it.

I am a vibrant and sometimes a black and white stoic being.

I am embrace all of who I am and what I will become.

Forever evolving.

You're vibrant! Embrace the numerous of sides of yourself. Learn from it. Grow.

If you have a story to tell with you tattoos please reach out to me. I am doing an ongoing portrait project about tattoos (body is a canvas) to view more work.

'till next time beautiful souls.