Mentally......

Welcome to my 1st post!

There has been a lot of things bothering me as of late. I will stick with one today, mental health. There will be triggers in this post, If you can handle it. Please proceed to the rest.

Now that is out of the way here I go.

For those who are just tuning into my life, I lost my Husband (David) on May 16th, 2018. So, you can imagine what a fuck show my life has been as of late. Mental health is so widely talked about but not a lot of action for it. That's what I will be touching base on, my own mental health.

Recently I did a little experiment if you will. To see if people would respond. Guess what? They did not.

On a day where I was feeling venerable and could of just about done anything to myself. I posted the youtube video to Fake Happy by Pararmore. If you listen to the lyrics you can see why I posted. Here's a snip of it.

" I love making you believe What you get is what you see But I'm so fake happy I feel so fake happy And I bet everybody here Is just as insincere We're all so fake happy And I know fake happy

I been doing a good job of makin' 'em think I'm quite alright But I hope I don't blink You see its easy when I'm stomping on a beat But no one sees me when I crawl back underneath......"

As you can surmise from this excerpt of the song. It makes you want to wonder why someone would post it. That is the beginning of the song, so no beating around the bush. I posted this along with an updated selfie of me looking happy and having fun an hour after the video. Guess which one got more likes and comments? You guessed it! it was the happy picture. Now, with all the "you must look for signs" bullshit. People were quick to like the happy and bypass the subtle sign.The one where it could of been me trying to reach out for help. For someone to say "hey noticed the video whats up?". But alas no.

As you can see here worlds apart but so close together.

I have battled with depression and anxiety my whole life it seems like. There are times where I don't think I can handle all the mundane bullshit in life anymore.

I just had a deep conversation with my mother about suicide. I have contemplated on numerous of occasions to end it I have even tried. I self mutilated. I have done it. So, what my mother's and I conversation steamed from was how we both felt in our dark times. Granted she said some shit that contradicted what she wanted for me. That's every parent though. What she said was that I have a strong spirit. Those who know me are like "fucking hell!" "I didn't know all this shit!" That's right. I hide it well and "fake happy" it up.

Every fucking day is a struggle. Everyday is draining. Everyday I just want to say fuck it! Somehow there is that spark (and therapy). That spark that says NO. Fucking push through and make the universe your bitch! I'm not going to lie there are days where I cannot physically or mentally continue on. A day like today. I want to be with my husband. It can happen. But not in a way that won't hurt my Mother and others.

My life has been a whirl wind since I could remember. Its hard to tells those who feel the emptiness of everyday the void that never goes away , that everything is going to be ok. Guess what. It's fucking not! However, if you can pick up in subtle signs and can reach out to those who are desparelty trying to reach out; you just might save someone. I suppress a lot of things. That is draining. I center myself by taking my time for myself for whatever it may be. I just went to Colorado. Back in the same year where me and my Husband went for out 1 year marriage anniversary. So, yea I was suppressing a lot. A lot to handle. But none the less able to push through.

Yes I'm fucked up. Yes I still see the bright side. Yes I will do my best. All those things are hard. I myself have too much of a fucking drive to succumb to my weakness. I have plans (universe fucked me on a big one) and I have goals. That's what's making me continue to go forward. I also have David in my head saying '"you're not done yet!".

So, for now I am living life and taking no shit. My time is precious and my universe is infinite. I will have my struggles. I will continue this journey. Reach out to those who need it most. Something simple will have a big impact.

Love is infinite.